161105

It was there and then, I didn't mean it to turn out this way. There and then, my veins surged with an outburst of bottled frustration. There and then, an arsenal of insults and obscenities waiting for my command to hurl at her. I cared less for the throbbing of my heart, she does matter more.

As I'm writing this, my scalp aches from the attempt to rip clusters of hair with my hands, my knuckles bruised from punching the walls, the floor, everything. my forehead burns with red marks from banging my head against the wall. I managed to not cut myself. Congrats Marc.

I kept all I wanted to hurt her with away, I knew it would not benefit the situation, it's just, I want her to be strong for me, I don't want to see her give up on us so easily each time we argue, sometimes it makes me wonder if she has really grown up or grown younger.

It's so depressing, I want to forsake all reality.

I hate to succumb to the calamities that this void of existence can forge sometimes. Makes you understand a little clearer why people can develop imagination.

I'm confused: A three-year-old relationship is acting as if it's 3 months old.

Yes, we're all to blame for our mishaps and our misunderstandings and our mistakes.

Dearest Joy Molina, why do you have to sigh, don't you have faith in the tears you don't cry. Be strong darling, I've always loved you. I never meant any of this for us, I'll understand this time. It's just that, I haven't really gotten to spend time with you for a long time. That's why I chose to be blinded by my selfish desires, I chose 'I' above 'US'. But be strong, don't let a few words take your "intrinsic morality" away.

For now, maybe we should just recess our qualms to a far-flung nebular deep within this alienated galaxy.

It's my hate, my anger, my misanthropy, my unwillingness to submit that may keep me alive, as much as you do. Because everyone will glimpse at this only 'bright' spot within my so-called 'dark' mind. But maybe not everyone knows how much you mean to me. Maybe I don't even know myself.