Obliteration

She spoke those words to me like a bee harvesting nectar, never the same, never different. An alienated familiarity. Those 3 words in that bewitching moment, in that exact order: I love you.

She spoke it as though unknowingly, as though it were a natural thing, she kept questioning, looking at the reflections of light in the dark, the only silhouettes she could relate too as my eyes, kept questioning me what was on my mind.

I held back not to tell her, I couldn't, fighting back the tears; stings in my eyes, stings that a blink would make it ache.

I refrained, oh my nothingness, I had to refrain. She's so beautiful, so elegant, yet so volatile and fragile.

I wanted to tell her, "How very much do I love you, how very much have I tried to never hurt you, how very much can I say to ease your suffering? How could I lose you?-- Look at us, we're happy, happier than we were before, I was stupid once, immature, reckless, naive, I was human, the more perfect I tried to become for you, the harder I fail to succeed. You believe in happy endings, in fairy tale living, I believe in death and self-liberation. How different are we?-- You hate to face reality, I embrace it. But yet, we set that apart for something even the most wise can never understand. You ask me how much I love you, each time I say very much, it burns me, because I know emotions can never be truly measured. We got hamsters together, a boy and a girl, we named them Friedrich and Mishka. I gave me a sense of responsibility, as though it were our own kids. I just hope I know what to say to make you feel that liquidation in your epicentre, you know that melted, brewing feeling, state to state, solid to liquid, liquid to gas; such as anger to alright, alright to happy(can't I think of better words?). Maybe I'm beginning to see again, or at least have a clearer vision of how much you mean to me, my weakness, my love, Joy."